| Report for Emma Ward | |
|---|---|
| Approved stories | 1 |
| Rejected stories | 10 |
| Deleted stories | 18 |
| Summary | Mean Boy |
I got sent out of assembly once (and had to stand outside the headmaster's office all the way through play time) for merely wondering how "Each little flower that opens, Each little bird that sings, He made their glowing
colours, He made their tiny wings..." made sense, when it was obvious that flowers definitely did NOT have tiny wings.
colours, He made their tiny wings..." made sense, when it was obvious that flowers definitely did NOT have tiny wings.
We had similar competitions in the hot summer of year 10 (4th year to you oldies), in which boys would try to "chug" as much water as possible while having someone else tip the bottle. I overheard a conversation revealing that one boy's ability to swallow perfectly normally with his mouth wide open was a distinct advantage...
Bulldogs and British Bulldogs were officially banned in my primary school. I remember something about British Bulldogs being worse than the other kind, but was often left out of the loop in such matters.
Ah, brings back amusing memories of a good ol' revenge trick I played on a girl in my class who was a bit snobby. In year three we had the novelty of plastic drawers, to be used for storage of reading books, etc. This girl had obviously pissed me off in no uncertain terms, so I decided that hatemail was the only way out. (Quite worrying for a 7 or 8 year old, I know.) Now, there were three Emmas in our class at the time, and me being one of them had observed other class members' annoying attempts at spelling this not overly complex name, so I very craftily made out something along the lines of "Ema, I hate you", including clever disguisement of handwriting. At the end of play time - during which I had stealthily slipped this note into the draw of the target - there was a mad, pupil-fuelled frenzy of hand-writing tests. I remember smoothly telling the boy asking me for a sample that I couldn't possibly be responsible for spelling Emma wrong, and never heard anything more of it. I don't know if a poor class-mate got the blame, or they dropped it, but I had forgotten it until today :)
This would happen frequently to various computers in room 62 of my old school. Maybe someone had given them a "death poke", but the only remedy was an act exclusive to one man. Mr. Haycocks would say "Treat it like a lady," stroke the top of the monitor gently three times and then smartly smack it. Worked every time.
Little does anyone know, but this is the fate that befell Leonardo DiCaprio's character in Titanic. He was avoiding a pummeling from Kate Winslet by grappling to get to a window...
I think that 1) he meant stare down the sun the way that you would stare down and eagle, and 2)he fully intended for you to go blind.
The entire curriculum of year 7 French for our set comprised of a song. Yes, but one. It was a beautiful song made up by our "furby" of a 4'6" teacher, designed to help us conjugate verbs. I still use it if I get stuck.
"Je joue - e
Tu joues - e-s
Il joue - e
Elle joue - e
Nous jouons - o-n-s
Vous jouez - e-z
Ils jouent - e-n-t
Elles jouent - e-n-t"
It doesn't seem very impressive now, but the impeccably simple rhythm along with this tiny excited 50 year old bouncing around in time with it made it the only thing I remember from her lessons.
"Je joue - e
Tu joues - e-s
Il joue - e
Elle joue - e
Nous jouons - o-n-s
Vous jouez - e-z
Ils jouent - e-n-t
Elles jouent - e-n-t"
It doesn't seem very impressive now, but the impeccably simple rhythm along with this tiny excited 50 year old bouncing around in time with it made it the only thing I remember from her lessons.
Much better way of deciding who's "it" in tig:
Ip dip doo
Doggy did a poo
Cat did a wee-wee
Out goes you!
I was going to use this when some 10 year olds I was babysitting were arguing, but couldn't remember the clean version.
Ip dip doo
Doggy did a poo
Cat did a wee-wee
Out goes you!
I was going to use this when some 10 year olds I was babysitting were arguing, but couldn't remember the clean version.
Another good variation is "windy-pop". Hilarious when coming from a 12 year old boy, who had copied it from an after-school club worker.
When your form has a chemistry lab for a form-room (for registration, etc.) do not, I repeat do NOT collaborate with the form prefect (designated 6th former) to fill the whole room with methane and kill the unfortunate 30 other people in the room. If you do, however, decide to do this, make sure that your fellow students don't notice and either have a go or simply switch them off. Bloody kids, ruin all the fun...
I didn't think that anyone knew about Gaylord's! (it's rather well-hidden.) The one near the Arndale Centre behind Tesco Metro? Ah, good times...
We made birds' nests, which is even more boring! A circle... Don't stop us now!
We had lots of "You've got something on the back of your shoe"s, and turning around to look at your shoe is obviously forbidden, but no-one ever knew why. We certainly weren't advanced enough to give it a name or accompanying phrase!
Never did understand that one...
Never did understand that one...
Emma was here
Now I'm gone
Left my name
To turn you on
"Headmaster, a group of children are gathered at the science block wall. They appear to be getting cheapies."
"What is it, Mr Huntley? Has the porn fairy been on the rounds?"
"No, sir. A girl called Emma has left her name on the wall."
"My God! That'll turn everyone on! She'll have every cock primed and ready to spunk!"
"I'll fetch the barbiturates."
"It might be too late for that - bring the hankies too."
Now I'm gone
Left my name
To turn you on
"Headmaster, a group of children are gathered at the science block wall. They appear to be getting cheapies."
"What is it, Mr Huntley? Has the porn fairy been on the rounds?"
"No, sir. A girl called Emma has left her name on the wall."
"My God! That'll turn everyone on! She'll have every cock primed and ready to spunk!"
"I'll fetch the barbiturates."
"It might be too late for that - bring the hankies too."
We loved that song! So fun...
Ich habe hunger, hunger, hunger
Habe hunger, hunger, hunger
Habe hunger, hunger, hunger,
Habe durst.
See, I haven't done German in two or three years, but I remember it. Full effectiveness aqcuired.
Ich habe hunger, hunger, hunger
Habe hunger, hunger, hunger
Habe hunger, hunger, hunger,
Habe durst.
See, I haven't done German in two or three years, but I remember it. Full effectiveness aqcuired.
Hm, spelling. What fun.
"Spelled" is the more frequented term in America, cause they need to rely on a rule to get them through the awful ordeal that is writing. The version used in the UK varies.
"Spelled" is the more frequented term in America, cause they need to rely on a rule to get them through the awful ordeal that is writing. The version used in the UK varies.
Or, alternatively, "how foolish you look now, Mr. Kent!"
We did two lines down your back (line line) two gentle jabs (dot dot) and then ran our nails very carefully up the spine to give a "shock". We were, apparently, much more civil.
Although, unfortunately, a line up the spine could also be misinterpreted if the "victim" turned around.
Although, unfortunately, a line up the spine could also be misinterpreted if the "victim" turned around.
I must agree. The claim that kindergarteners didn't think to put something from the floor (or even better, a litterbox) in their mouths is utterly unbelievable.
Then again, anyone getting 42% on an exam is also an idiot.
Much more fun is watching a German teacher's face when a bloody great band comes forth from one.
Turns out the light-bulb blew up, which isn't too exciting, but caused adequate disruption to be admired.
Turns out the light-bulb blew up, which isn't too exciting, but caused adequate disruption to be admired.
Our fun run was a gruelling trek over country roads and through midgey infested woods. But we got to dress up as whoever we wanted, so it was alright.
More annoying than the most unpopular kid getting to referee was the most "popular" girl doing it. She was the best at everything (or so she thought) and was on the netball team, so deemed any practice unnecessary and decided to make our lives living hell instead. She knew that we were all rubbish at the game, and so did we, hence the complete apathy with which it was treated. This wasn't good enough for her so she blew the whistle every 5 seconds and gave us "helpful pointers". GAH!
More annoying than the most unpopular kid getting to referee was the most "popular" girl doing it. She was the best at everything (or so she thought) and was on the netball team, so deemed any practice unnecessary and decided to make our lives living hell instead. She knew that we were all rubbish at the game, and so did we, hence the complete apathy with which it was treated. This wasn't good enough for her so she blew the whistle every 5 seconds and gave us "helpful pointers". GAH!
This was called "swot knotting" at our school, as only swots would have tiny knots in their ties. My brother's school was the other way round (big knot = swot) which I thought silly. Anyway, the most effective way of swot knotting is (as I have found) holding the end of the tie and jumping. The victim may realise mid-jump that soon, all of your 8-stone mass is going to be placed on the back of his neck in, ooh, a second. This makes it more fun.
It's purple nurple, idiot! What sense does "durple" make? Eh? NONE! "Nurple" is simply the word "nipple" made to rhyme with "purple"...
Also, nurple means to walk with a limp such that one leg is actually just being dragged along the floor, as one might see in a war film. "Durple", however, means NOTHING!
Also, nurple means to walk with a limp such that one leg is actually just being dragged along the floor, as one might see in a war film. "Durple", however, means NOTHING!
How the fuck wad this piece of crap let in?! I thought you read the entries and decided which ones were good enough for your prestigous site?!
How the fuck was this piece of crap let in?! I thought you read the entries and decided which ones were good enough for your prestigous site?!
Surely "Have you ever pulled a boy's willy?" (Or simply "Have you ever pulled a willy?", when we take into account the unlikeliness of a girl's willy) would prevent the victim from identifying his/her fate so easily? Think about this...
Was that supposed to be a sophisticated spelling of what would today be written as "rubber penises"?
Surely that would only work as the plural ending if it was spelt "penus"? Look at examples:
Radius - radii
Octopus - octopi
Think about it...
Surely that would only work as the plural ending if it was spelt "penus"? Look at examples:
Radius - radii
Octopus - octopi
Think about it...