17 year old friend of mine told a story of how he tasted his own jiz. He was having a wank and sneezed as he was finishing, this resulted in the product flying into his mouth. He's a nice fella.

Screen shots in a user guide I wrote under protest have R.Sole as the tenant name in every one

while in science the teacher had to go to the toilet, so leaving us to our own devises (allways a mistake at towneley high )we noticed that he had left his jacket on the back of his chair.at this what ells could we do but to get all the lads in class to wipe their foreskin on it and all the girls to either spit or wipe thire noses on it .from that day on he was known as stilton coat

If you were unlucky enough to have a Surname that sounded a bit weird you would get the piss ripped out of you.
For Example there was this girl at my scholl called Lucy Fordham and whenever she walked through any corridor everyone used to shout Foreskin, Foreskin.

Definitely mine, this one.

Me and my best friend loved stressing out are favourite teacher..we would ask simple questions were the answer was obvious...One day we simply went so what do you do at greek club and through gritted teeth Mrs rowe went teaach them greek..then rudly she went a small core of yoy need to sort yourselves out..directing it straight at us...We have never got other that day me and my bestest ever mate

Roger myers,
that's the name of my older brother. Nothing special about that you might think, until you realise it was also the name of a spazzy mongo in a film which every class in every year had to watch for some insane reason in some sort of class about growing up.
Nobody i have spoken to remembers what the fuck it was about because they were all too busy laughing and taking the piss, out of me.
For some reason, in the parts where i grew up, it was worse to be related to a mong, than it was to be monged.

explain that one then. Please.

idiotic girl: "are you straight or curly?"
me: "curly" ( as in my hair )
girl: " Ahahaha your a lesbian then"

Is it really mean, Nicola? In the context of me saying that I hope you get raped with your dad's severed arm, possibly not. Twit.

this is so mean but anyway....
you would say 'spackerssaywhat' really fast so whoever you are talking to wouldn't understand you, therefor making them say 'what?' you would then reply 'you are a spacker ha ha'
yes we thought it was funny at the time!!!

WOOT WOOT WOOT

You know some teachers who just have a personal vendetta against you? I had one, and this became apparent fairly rapidly in her dull lessons. She was patrolling the corridors one break time when me and my friend were staying inside (against school rules) because it was cold and raining. I was asked why I was staying in and told her I was "waiting for Mr Dennis" (whose room I was outside). I was asked "Did he tell you to wait exactly here?" (this is her ignoring my friend and only questioning me) to which I took one step to the right and snapped "No, here." I got a rollicking for talking back but it was hilarious!

At our school we used to hide peoples bags and coats in the cupborads of the class we were in. We even used to go as far as wear someone else's coat under our own until they got angry. We also used to throw peoples bags and coats at the top of tall fences, doubly amusing if the zip was open and the items came out all over the place

Now this is just shit.

There is a girl at my school who goes. out with a guy 5 years older. Another girl from the rough part of town said this about her when we were waiting in the queue at the girls' :-
"She only wears pants to keep her ankles warm."
I thought that was great, in a mean, girlie kinda way.

Nappy Rash Collins was the poor recluse of the whole school. He had the habit of shitting himself all the time and constantly stunk up the class room untill kids shouted Peters pood again then is support teacher would go and change him.

Many a time he would run around the play ground crying with is pants down and nappy showing while kids laughed at him calling him all the names under the sun... Oh what good times.

Oh dear god, no more.

In the eighties, when i was a wee girl of about 7, there was a craze for shiny, patent leather shoes with a magical key in the sole. I wanted a pair BAD, but my mum said they were stupidly expensive for "something you'll grow out of in 2 weeks". (ie, she was too tight to buy them.)
Anyway,we had a fat girl called Amber who i hated, becuase she was fat and a bit ginger.and the bitch had my shoes. So, during PE one day, I went off to the toilet and saw Ambers shoes in the cloak room, and thought, "i'll have them." I cannot express the disappoinment I felt as i discovered the fat bitch's shoes were too big for me. So, I did the logical thing, and flushed them down the toilet.
There was an uproar that day to catch the offending flusher, but i'm happy to say I completely and utterly got away with it.And I'm not sorry!!!!!

well people used to go in to the toilets and put out a smartie or a biscuit or somthing. everyone would wank and the last to cum on them would have too eat it all!! i would like to say i never joined in on this!!

Twele year old C.C. managed to do it 111 , yes a HUNDRED AND ELEVEN times during one day - including lessons and meetings , in fron of witnesses !!! Ended having to goto the school nurse the next day , coz he had a blister on it ! Most I ever managed was 18 times aged 10 !

Twele year old C.C. managed to do it 111 , yes a HUNDRED AND ELEVEN times during one day - including lessons and meetings , in fron of witnesses !!! Ended having to goto the school nurse the next day , coz he had a blister on it ! Most I ever managed was 18 times aged 10 !

We has a teacher who would walk along the school corridors with the tips of his fingers of the hand closest to the wall always in contact with the wall. He also walked in a rather camp way. This was not particularly amusing until he went round a corner. He would move about half a step further from the wall and as he turned the corner, with his fingers still touching the wall, lean into the corner as he went round it.

This got even funnier as kids in the school cottoned on to this and decided to copy him. At times you would have a line of six or seven kid walking behind him through the corridors all with the tips of their finger touching the wall, walking a bit camp and turning corners the same way as he did.

This was a great source of entertainment. Hours of fun...

Do you remember those BP pirate books? The magazines you collected in the 80's about pirates with tokens at BP? Me and a friend got OBSESSED with copying out the entire series and thats when we conspired to begin making MASSIVE dots over the letters i and j. We dug in really hard so the pen went through the page.

Oh dear me. I've spaffed my knickers.

Def: Having a kickabout in your bear feet

If in Scotland wee means small, what do people there trying to be polite while speaking of piss call wee?

This is the law of the fucking playground, twat.

None are as frightening as the Till Monster who works in a Police training centre's canteen (sorry it's now called a refreshment suite - must try to keep up)

She has X-ray eyes that can see hidden bacon under the fried bread and can count all the baked beans in a millisecond to see if you have had an extra halfspoon on your plate.

Amazing woman. Scares the shite out of big hairy cops. The Godthing of Dinner ladies.

Fuck all this and get with the times will you.....I've just bought an X-box 360 and HDTV....its fucking lovely. Twats

The frog balloon & the maggot launcher

gas taps are obviously the most wonderful thing to be in a school science lab, especially when combines with animals.

Firstly the maggot launcher:

1. aquire your maggots, usually when your doing experiments about living environments of insects

2. load up the weaponry i.e. put a maggot into the gas tap nozzle

3. open the gas tap full

4. watch as the maggot flys gracefully across the room and lands down someones shirt collar or in there bag for much hilarity

the frog ballon:

1. aquire your dead/alive from from the pong in the park or when your meant to be disecting it

2. hold the frogs mouth around the gas tap

3. open the gas tap and watch the frog inflate to size

4. use a sprung clamp to hold th frogs mouth shut

5. put the frog a good distance away from you

6. throw the scalple at the frog to watch it go ker-pop on the victims desk covering anything in the vacinity with green and red goo

Penned with our janny who looked like Hitler, Headmaster Jock McCaskill, and his deputies Jimmy Flemming and Mr Hamilton in mind...
"Hitler Has Only Got One Ball!
Jimmy - has got none at all!
Jock has... something sililar,
And poor old Hammy has no balls at all!"

This was last aired during the cloakroom riots of 84 when firehoses were used to flood the floor and we took refuge on the cloakroom benches to start singing and stamping. Very soon Jimmy Flemming arrived in his gown and wellies. He didnt say a word but with his stony glare he stared-down 100 of us into complete silence. Every boy in the vicinity was shitting himself...
Thinking his job was done he turned around to walk back to the office - alas, a six-inch greeny hanging from the back of his gown was greeted with a deafening cheer, and thus began more singing and stamping.
Ten minutes later the end-of-lunch-bell rang and we all went to our classes with wet feet.

Marc Smith, the school weirdo, used to swap recently-bought 10p chew bars for ink cartridges, and drink them in front of you.

He also ate so many of the berries from the holly bush outside his house that is stopped growing them.