Here (in Liverpool UK)'Bifta' was also the nickname for a ciggarate.

GO STICK YOUR HEAD UP YOUR MUM YOU FOUR-EYED CUNT

Also something I shouted just as Mr Davey walked into the room.

Shortly followed by kneeing him in the nuts when he tried to restrain me, then kicking the shit out of Philp Brooksbank (who took my glasses in the first place)


Luckily, my parents are loaded and he was from the estate, so I got away with it!

My ex and I had a dog. One night we'd got jiggy and after we'd finished we were lying there. We then hear this chewing and slurping sound and look over to the see the dog chewing happily on the used condom.

I don't remember the number games, but I do remember it being hilariously funny to deliberately ignore the presence of the "al" in the word, so they became Durex glasses.

Unfortunately nobody ever came up with any amusing variants on Arcoroc.

Warning! pencil scars on your face can happen to your face!

I was in fact stabbed in the face with a monstrously sharp pencil in my face. Six weeks later I had to have many small fragments of graphite removed from my face because they already beginning to make a dark blotch on my face. I carry the scars to prove that pencil tatoos can happen!

this is fucking sick and it is rong and y would u want 2 lick some 1 out when there on

Quite.

Utterly unintelligable

Get 2 35cm big beefy rulers and tape em together in a plus shape we thought it would make a wicked frisbie but these gits turn in mid air if thrown right and come straight back at ya basically making you hit the ground before you are knocked to it buy da rules we used to chuck them at ben davids he u

Run away with me Joanna you shitmonster.

Like regular it but beats it by a bl*ody mile. When you're on and you it someone they have to join on to you by linking arms, cue much falling over and you dragging people along the playground floor while you try in desperation to it someone with some heavy tosser weighing you down.

at my school there was this really fat bitch mrs crocker.with nicknames like mrs cocker and mrs cockhead and once she bent over and a split like a cavern ripped out of her trousers.She was wearing a THONG!!!!!!!!!!! WICH WAS LOST IN HER ASS.

I am the man from del monte

There was a kid we went to school with called tony and he was heavily into w**nking and could not wait to get with a young lady. We told him that if you made a hole in a peice of fruit and stuck his tadger in there, it will feel just like the real thing.

So there we are sitting in his lounge when he comes steaming in with a orange between his legs, on his old boy, twisting it like a human juicer.

Can't believe he did it..................we called him the man from del monte ever since!!

Terry Lee, Chelmsford Essex

bud bud ding ding
pakis are gangsters
all you motherfuking haters
can go suk dik

A good way spend a science lesson is toflick glues sticks so they do a flip and land on glue and stand up

quiet kid at my school called John Fownes total geek with his yellow I love VW beetle bag well u get the idea. My friend shoved pencil sharpenings down his back and he turned round in a rage and back hand slapped me across the face .. well that was it other people were laughing at me so i had to do something about it! he trundles off to the corner of the room where i point at the ceiling john look at that he looks up where i smack him under the chin as hard as i can .. tears well up in his eyes and everyones cheering me to do it again ... John who man whats that! again he looks???? i smakc him in the side of the head this time .. i must repeat this session about 4 times everytime he looks! till he runs out of the class crying later was called the the headmasters office to write a letter to his parents apologising! it was bloody worth it!

Jesus suffering fuck. Check out the last line of this big heap of wank. Cockfingers beckons.

It is the arcane twisting of a human's reasoning synapses, by the bitterness arising out of a slow realisation that their own failure at having any kind of skill or talent has doomed them to a job where they sit around doing stuff-all for the entire day, whilst around them tens of much younger and much brighter people slog away at tasks the librarian has no hope of comprehending. Thus the only thing that brings pleasure is being a complete arse, obstructing the easy completion of such slog and ruining other people's days... and finding complex reasons to justify it that -feel- wrong, but are incredibly difficult to mount effective arguments against. Especially as their word is effectively law.

In all my time I have known precisely two nice or even vaguely human librarians in amongst very many. One was a temp in the school library (usually doing a much different and skilled admin job), the other, student support staff in the uni library, and quite fit to boot.

Case in point, having being sent back to college for work training, I am immediately relegated to being no better than the teenage layabout chav scum attending for mechanics and food tech courses, despite being in my mid 20s and studying back-breakingly hard hospital stuff. Leading to them pulling such tricks as interrupting my work to remind me what time it is and to hurry up (despite me having removed my watch and laid it out on the desk so I can easily see what time it is), then turning the printer off without warning anyone, whilst simultaneously forcing us to pointlessly "print" our work and shut the computer down. The excuse for this mindbombing? Keeping the library open past time will make them miss their bus. Despite their closing the place 10 minutes early and it being in a city centre location near a busy bus station. Never mind that in my own job I'd be dismissed for trying such an act.

All arguments against this BS of course rendered null and void by librarian logic and their absurd arguments, particularly if I want to continue "enjoying" the hell-hole's meagre library facilities.

See also: not being allowed to "eat or drink" (taking small sips of plain water when under the thumb of a massive cold) whilst working in there for fear of spilling something (I'm not a toddler) on the "computer" (just a keyboard, linked to some godforsaken netPC terminal), and a hundred other acts of miniature, pathetic fascism, always with some kind of holier-than-thou, robotic justification. Either they do not realise that, even if their job consists of sitting on their arse playing Breakout on the internet, other people have to work, and damn hard, to meet assignment deadlines.. or more likely they do not care, or harbour the aforementioned resentment to such a point it drives them round the bend.

Feel free to edit this as I know I get a bit verbose and repetitive sometimes.

You don't fucking say, you pointless twat.

In a sixth form where there are only 6 males in one year, it can get hairy. Thus, games must be played when the girls are away. Such as bottle snooker, where the old fashioned drinks that came in different colours (glass bottles of pop you know!) were made to resemble snooker balls (in colour only) and bottle snooker took place on the 6th form room floor. Game went on until stopped or all bottles were broken. Also, Carcinogenic darts - the dart board was remounted to be as high as possible on the wall, and the ocky was the other side of the room. Half way between them was a twin fluorescent light. The aim was to either hit the dart board narrowly missing the bulbs, or hit the metal light support (about one inch thick). Missing caused the light bulb to shatter thus ensuring all carcinogenic centre to be deposited on all underneath. Screwdriver Daggers - when one must throw (ninja style) a screwdriver into the upright of the soft sixth form chairs. Bounce off means you were shit. Missing meant the screwdriver hitting a glass window - which always broke. The sixth Form maze - changing the position of every desk in one room so it became a maze to annoy the cleaners who both had to clean under every desk in a strange layout, and then get out of there again. War of the Cars - everyone (all of us) who pranged their cars had to bring in a few souvenirs of the damage. When teachers away, the desks are lined up and the war starts - throwing the items across the room as hard as possible. Two hospital visits later they cottoned on, when one man, bleeding from the head, outlined how he was hit by a 1978 Fiat Uno air filter... Demoilishment - the art of trashing a desk into small enough pieces to be smuggled into small bags, and later distributed in the local wood, to the sound of both Sex Pistols and Half Man Half Biscuit. Over 12 chairs, 4 cuboards, 8 desks and a large table were destroyed in this manner over a two year period. And finally, Strap the Hippy to the Pole - he kind of had long hair, but that was enough for us to call him a Hippy and tape him to the solitary pole in the centre of the main congregation room. The look on a teachers face when she entered and saw hippy tied with masking tape was always priceless. Better still is the fully recorded conversation on a dictaphone of the headmasters bollocking to us all in his office - later played loud and clear! Oh Oi Boys - were are you now...

read the last line

YOU BENTSHOT!

i dont think we called it chubbing, or even had a name for it, although, in retrospect, i suppose it could be termed a 'stealth chub'. you simply make an excuse to go to the toilet during PE, sneak back into the empty changing room and empty half a can of deep heat into the gusset of your chosen victims new underpants. about 2 minutes after they have dressed they gradually become disabled by an immense surging glow of genital burning! jocular hilarity for those 'in the know'. ps; you can't sniff your pants to check before getting dressed, otherwise you will inevitably be accused of being a bentshot or having a zionist persuasion!

The ones i grew up with were

I'm popeye the sailor man
I live in a caravan
And when it gets chilly
I tickle my willy
im popeye the sailor man

My name is coco
I live in a tree
and i sell condoms for 25p
I paint 'em brown and i put them in a box
and u only get them free with coco pops

One major downfall was that condom look nothing like coco pops
but what the hell I was 11

Smartarse cunt

Seemingly ubiquitous playground ditty, wherein said freind was the proud owner of a ten foot long male member. Being naturally proud of such an organ necessitated its display to the girl-next-door. She, being no expert in either the defining characteristics of penes or members of the Sepentes Group, assumed that the affore-mentioned unit was, indeed, a snake. A mistake that that caused her to attack young William's penis with a common garden rake- resulting in it now measuring a slightly more manageable five foot four inches.

Oh, my beautiful baby

He used to enjoy PE. we beat the crap out of him and he went to hospital where he met X who was gay with U they liked sucking each other and poor old Jim was a very poooooor victim who who liked it as much as he hated it and he then went to the loo and sniffed some crap and then T jumped out of nowhere and shoved his nose in it then ohhh i forgot i had a camera and filmed it all then A jumped out to watchand he was a total pervert anyway and therefor a dick head and he like Jim bummed dogs he came back to school smelling of dead monkeys because did i tell you he did dogs

To the theme of 'New York, New York.'

New York, New York,
it's a hell of a town,
the plane goes in and the building goes down,
the World Trade Centre's a hole in the ground,
New York, New York,
it's a hell of a town

i go 2 a posh school. Its not great, Bcuz im not 2 posh an evry1 thinks i speak like a pice of crap.

One day me and my mate went into the bathroom and saw this younger kid who got on his bus and i knew him as vaugely annoying, but my mate said something like, ew, your here to catch a glimps of my manly penis or something to that effect, and in an utter spur of the moment i jumped forward and pointed at him shouting "Its the notorious winky watcher", he soon became known as NWW and practically whenever we see him he gets at the very least, a very mean look, and if we can be arsed, a nice gentle shove and a sarky comment.

Nickname given to heavy drinking and soking English teacher whose cheeks were incredibly purple. He was a sadistic git too and loved to dish out detentions for virtually nothing

The insult applied to a certain Michael Jordan after consistently being a pillock in PE lessonsEh? EHHHHH?????

My, I have an itchy chin today.

Mrs Hughes
had one boob.
All because of the fact, she was innocently walking across the level crossing when she suddenly tripped. Her nork flopped out of her dress across the track and a mighty freight train swooshed by and severed her tit off.
Horrific really, but a source of hilarity for those in her class.