Also known as the Dirty Sanchez, this trick explains the recoil reflex of any adult when you try to put your finger underneath their nose. It involves sticking your finger up your arse, asking your victim to sniff your finger, waiting until they tell you it smells of shit, then wiping it across their upper lip. How far you stick your finger up your arse is entirely your own business.
This act was not one I took part in, although I was the victim of on many occasions;
The object of Sneaky Bollock is to bare one's teste through the zip at the front of your trousers. Then, sitting in a suitable gaping position, you would call people over to "check your work" or something. They would then be horrified at the small hairy lump protruding from the loins.
For extra points, you may consider the following:-Get a teacher with a Sneaky Bollock;-Go the whole hog and flop your entire meatsack out;-Draw a smiley face, or write a message to the victim on your scrotum;-Walk around the classroom with yourself on show;-See how long you can stand in a conversation with someone without them noticing.
In the last days of the school year, Sneaky Bollock was rife in our ranks, and the words "Hey, can you just check this for me?" filled our hearts with unmitigated fear.
The object of Sneaky Bollock is to bare one's teste through the zip at the front of your trousers. Then, sitting in a suitable gaping position, you would call people over to "check your work" or something. They would then be horrified at the small hairy lump protruding from the loins.
For extra points, you may consider the following:-Get a teacher with a Sneaky Bollock;-Go the whole hog and flop your entire meatsack out;-Draw a smiley face, or write a message to the victim on your scrotum;-Walk around the classroom with yourself on show;-See how long you can stand in a conversation with someone without them noticing.
In the last days of the school year, Sneaky Bollock was rife in our ranks, and the words "Hey, can you just check this for me?" filled our hearts with unmitigated fear.
At school in the 60s, it was deeply uncool if you hadn't snogged anyone. Snogging people kept your lips moist and delicious, so if you developed chapped lips, it meant you'd never snogged anyone, and were also a virgin.
If you developed a cold, you would be a snotty, bunged-up virgin who'd never been snogged, until you got better. Then you would have snogged and had sex again, until the next chapped lip, when you would, once again, become a virgin.
If you developed a cold, you would be a snotty, bunged-up virgin who'd never been snogged, until you got better. Then you would have snogged and had sex again, until the next chapped lip, when you would, once again, become a virgin.
Snooters(pending)
Shortly after Policeman Simmons informed us about the dangers of drugs, particulary cocaine, the kids got into a 'fad' of sorting various powders. I remember when Tyler offered my 10 dollars to crush a cinnamon Altoid and snort it with a drinking straw that was cut in half.
I promptly took a nice red Altoid from the box, wrapped it in the paper, and crushed it thoroughly with the hard part of a soda can. Then, I laid it on the table in a line, just like that kid did in the drug prevention video, and snorted it.
Agony is a word that cannot describe the feeling of a spicy cinnamon Altoid in your sinuses. I twitched violently for a few seconds, then sneezed red snot all over Tyler.
Needless to say, he did not give me the ten dollars.
I promptly took a nice red Altoid from the box, wrapped it in the paper, and crushed it thoroughly with the hard part of a soda can. Then, I laid it on the table in a line, just like that kid did in the drug prevention video, and snorted it.
Agony is a word that cannot describe the feeling of a spicy cinnamon Altoid in your sinuses. I twitched violently for a few seconds, then sneezed red snot all over Tyler.
Needless to say, he did not give me the ten dollars.
To 'snorkel' is to walk as if wearing deep-sea-diving flippers and waving your arms up and down. This had to be done just out of sight of a teacher while the rest of the class tried not to laugh. If someone laughed and the teacher didn't catch the snorkeler then they became 'the snorkeling snorkel-king' which was a position held in high regard.nnThe origins of this are so cruel that I can't believe I used to snorkel. Amanda has severe learning difficulties and had lost her ability to show emotions (such as laugh or cry) as a result of a serious car accident. The accident was explained to a class of twelve-year-olds as follows:nn"Amanda came out of the school gates last night and saw her mother on the other side of the road. Unfortunately she didn't see the car coming as she was wearing a Snorkel"nnTo the teacher a 'Snorkel' was a navy blue jacket with orange lining (made by Lord Anthony) with a fake-fur hood that when zipped up gave you tunnel vision. This obviously explained how the accident happened. However, thirty twelve year olds all imagined Amanda running across the road wearing a 'snorkel', face mask and flippers. The outburst of laughter landed all of us in detention for a full term and was instantly recognised as THE cruelest subject to joke about.
Q: (Pointing)Whats that?
A: What?
Q: Snot put your bogey on top.
I fell for this many times, but I never felt too bothered. I still don't understand what was happening.
A: What?
Q: Snot put your bogey on top.
I fell for this many times, but I never felt too bothered. I still don't understand what was happening.
Snot volley(pending)
The practice, when suffering from a cold or severe hay fever, of tipping your head right back, and sneezing a huge thick plug of mucous over the heads of the people seated in front of you. I good snot volley would land on the desk in front with a resounding splat.
Snotty Anthony(pending)
great non sequitur
Anothy was always full of snot, he could sneeze and fill his cupped hands to the brim with snot, and I MEAN TO THE BRIM, his mum had a beard.
Popular yet confusing insult at our West Midlands primary school. Was it based on a huge misunderstanding about what "blow job" meant? Was it some kind of drug reference? Or just an accusation that your dad liked humping machinery? I'm still baffled.
[log]Here, let me help - it's a quote from the movie Short Circuit. Here's the clip, which also features the excellent line "this little fart of a robot is giving me the red-ass". By the way, if any of your friends said "don't get your mum wet after midnight," that wasn't a reference to two of the three rules about keeping a Mogwai. They said that because your mum is a massive slag.[/log]
[log]Here, let me help - it's a quote from the movie Short Circuit. Here's the clip, which also features the excellent line "this little fart of a robot is giving me the red-ass". By the way, if any of your friends said "don't get your mum wet after midnight," that wasn't a reference to two of the three rules about keeping a Mogwai. They said that because your mum is a massive slag.[/log]
Soap, snorting and dealing of(pending)
In fourth grade, our obscenely rich classmate Will jetted off to Lillehammer to take in the '94 Winter Olympics. As consolation, he came back with bars of complimentary Norwegian hotel soap for all. Being disinclined to use these gifts in the usual way, it wasn't more than a couple days before we made up our minds to chop them into tiny flakes and snort them.
Within hours of the discovery, the name "soap-caine" had been applied, a logo for the drug cartel had been drawn up, and the effects of the drug were noted by dozens of first-time users: beet-red face, dizziness, and a propensity to loll about on the floor talking about "how fucking high" you were. Lines of chopped-up soap were done off the backs of clear plastic rulers. Your leisurely afternoon pick-me-up might only be an inch or two, while truly mammoth nosebleed benders stretched beyond the eight-inch mark.
The short, blissful existence of the soap-caine cartel came crashing down when Michael S., in an effort to well and truly pump himself up for gym class, managed to hock down a whole twelve inches with dozens of kids gawking. Twenty minutes later, with Michael flopping about on the gym floor, sneezing up blood, another childhood pastime was unfairly snatched away.
Within hours of the discovery, the name "soap-caine" had been applied, a logo for the drug cartel had been drawn up, and the effects of the drug were noted by dozens of first-time users: beet-red face, dizziness, and a propensity to loll about on the floor talking about "how fucking high" you were. Lines of chopped-up soap were done off the backs of clear plastic rulers. Your leisurely afternoon pick-me-up might only be an inch or two, while truly mammoth nosebleed benders stretched beyond the eight-inch mark.
The short, blissful existence of the soap-caine cartel came crashing down when Michael S., in an effort to well and truly pump himself up for gym class, managed to hock down a whole twelve inches with dozens of kids gawking. Twenty minutes later, with Michael flopping about on the gym floor, sneezing up blood, another childhood pastime was unfairly snatched away.
A name for those whose foreskins are too tight to achieve a painless erection. To loosen the foreskin, doctors advise masturbation with soap and water. To be called soapy, therefore, you have told people that you have a tight foreskin, that you have been to the doctors with your tight foreskin, and that the doctor has prescribed you a course of soapy wanks. If you get ridiculed, you can hardly be surprised.
Many years ago at school, I went out with a girl called Kerry. I had boasted for many weeks before hand to my friends (mainly a guy called simon), that the weekend my parents were away would be the week I would "do it" to her.nnThe weekend and came and went, without me "doing it" to her. Come the monday Simon asked me if I "did it".nn(At this point it is worth pointing out that Simon was sex obsessed, fat, had a huge collection of porno mags and so much body hair, at the age of 14, that I as an adult 15 years later would consider it to be an abnormal amount.)nn"No" I Said. We we all 14 year olds - no one would have believed me if i had.nnSimon narrowed his eyes, ready to accuse me of lying to him. I had been promising him for weeks that I would "do it". He also seemed upset, perhaps because he was such an unnatractive fat mutant the closest thing he would ever come to sex was being told about it. nn"In fact I did something better than sex" I triumphantly proclaimed.nnThe whole classroom (did I mention I was in a classrom?) fell silent, and listened in awe - what could be better than sex!?!)nn"I had a Soapy Tit Wank." nnI demonstrated this hitherto unknown advanced sexual act, by squatting down on the floor, miming (accompanied all the while by a nervous verbal description) the act of squirting washing up liquid onto Kerry's breasts, placing my dick between them, squeezing them together and thrusting vigorously. The stunned silence that followed, I believed for several seconds, was because of my demonstration of mature, sosphisticated love making. nnUnfortunately, it was because I was at the front of the classroom, facing the door, and the teacher had just entered the room.nnYou'd expect that my life would have been made a living hell until the end of time for such a display. But no, the children at my school were far wiser than you'd think - the ever present memory of performing such a display, and the searing embaressment of being caught "doing it" by a teacher, was a far greater punishment than any number of sadistically-sophisticated school kids could ever think of. It remained with me till I left sixth form college at the age of 18.
This was a game played in the changing rooms, after the class had spent an hour and a half running around in freezing mud. Proceedings would commence by flinging a wet muddy sock into the air. If the sock landed on someone, there would follow a cry of, "Uuurgh! You got sock, mi lad!", and the game would continue.
There were only two possible end scenarios to this game. Either somebody would get beaten up, or a fight would break out. In either instance, acts of violence will be largely ignored by the games teacher, in a "let them sort it out amongst themselves" kind of way, faintly reminiscent of the interracial basketball match scene in the film Scum.
There were only two possible end scenarios to this game. Either somebody would get beaten up, or a fight would break out. In either instance, acts of violence will be largely ignored by the games teacher, in a "let them sort it out amongst themselves" kind of way, faintly reminiscent of the interracial basketball match scene in the film Scum.
A simple ruse. Suggest a competition to see who can hit the other person the softest. Allow the victim to go first. After he has lightly tapped you on the shoulder, you let him have it with a perfect dead-arm, before informing him that he has won.
Warning. This trick is EMINENTLY REVERSIBLE. It is probably wise to ask if your friend has ever played "softest punch" before. Remember - they get the first punch.
Warning. This trick is EMINENTLY REVERSIBLE. It is probably wise to ask if your friend has ever played "softest punch" before. Remember - they get the first punch.
A group of boys stand in a circle around a biscuit, wanking. The last one to spunk on it has to eat it. An urban myth?
Glasweigan name for wet toilet roll, thrown onto the roof or wall to lend it a stipply 3D effect. Once dried, new layers can me applied. Soggy boggies are also effective as a non-lethal short-range weapon.
A medical complaint where the nose becomes soggy and spreads sideways across the face. Used to insult anyone with larger than average nostrils.
The inventor had meant the insult to be a clever reference to the computer game company "Psygnosis". The fact that no-one realised this meant the insult caught on, and he wasn't delivered a beating for being a "spod".
The inventor had meant the insult to be a clever reference to the computer game company "Psygnosis". The fact that no-one realised this meant the insult caught on, and he wasn't delivered a beating for being a "spod".
Mrs Soloman, a particularly fierce piano playing teacher from the 1980's, now dead. Soloman's pet hate was pupils having their back to her, so the whole class were seated facing towards her in a 'Praise Mecca' style in twos. If you turned her back on her whilst she was talking to you, woe betide. We adapted this to a playground game, which made good for random beatings. If a kid such as Daniel Holmer Tolliday showed you his back, you were well within your right to belt him in the back whilst taking on Soloman's manly growl and saying ' you darest showeth me your hind?'Why we adopted a Medieval vocabulary is another question.
Kristen Cottier arrived in 1981 from the Isle of Man - a fact he was insanely proud of. He later explained that his surname was Manx for "son of the otter hunter". A silly mistake.
Knew too much about rainbow kissing to be right.
Song - Build a bonfire(pending)
We used to sing this one...
Build a bonfire...
Build a bonfire...
Put the teachers on the top.
Put (Insert the most hated teacher's name here) in the middle, then we'll burn the fucking lot!
Build a bonfire...
Build a bonfire...
Put the teachers on the top.
Put (Insert the most hated teacher's name here) in the middle, then we'll burn the fucking lot!
Songs of Our Youth(pending)
We all sang twisted versions of old songs when we were kids.
This one kinda goes to the tune of 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall. You can insert any name you want in this song, but I'll just use Gary for example purposes:
Drivin' down the highway;
Highway 94,
Gary laid a big one
And blew me out the door.
The wheels couldn't take it,
The engine fell apart.
All because of Gary's
Super-sonic fart.
This one kinda goes to the tune of 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall. You can insert any name you want in this song, but I'll just use Gary for example purposes:
Drivin' down the highway;
Highway 94,
Gary laid a big one
And blew me out the door.
The wheels couldn't take it,
The engine fell apart.
All because of Gary's
Super-sonic fart.
A more subtle way of saying "subtle attack". You have to wrap yourself in a duvet, for bonus subtlety, before launching yourself into the enemy's dorm and spraying them with deodorant.
Sorry to talk about your sister(pending)
A very popular poem from my childhood (1980's)
Sorry to talk about your sister,
but she's in my class,
she's got popcorn tits,
and a rubber ass.
She jumped out the window with a dick in her hand,
and said "Hey Mother Fucker, I'm Superman!"
Sorry to talk about your sister,
but she's in my class,
she's got popcorn tits,
and a rubber ass.
She jumped out the window with a dick in her hand,
and said "Hey Mother Fucker, I'm Superman!"
An unfortunate pupil at our school had mild Spina Bifida which caused him to walk with a sideways hip-swinging shuffle.
We thought he was rather cool because he looked as though he was grooving along to a funky tune that only he could hear; he may have just been listening to our tuneless rendition of "Soul Man" and finger-snapping as he jive-walked past our classroom window.
We thought he was rather cool because he looked as though he was grooving along to a funky tune that only he could hear; he may have just been listening to our tuneless rendition of "Soul Man" and finger-snapping as he jive-walked past our classroom window.